Grace
September 14, 1957
I am alone in a crowded family these days, and that’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. Until these past few years, I had no idea that loneliness is worse than sadness. I’ve come to realize that’s because loneliness, by its very definition, cannot be shared.
Tonight there are four other souls in this house, but I am unreachably far from any of them, even as I’m far too close to guarantee their safety. Patrick said he’d be home by nine tonight, and I clung on to that promise all day.
He’ll be home at nine, I tell myself. You won’t do anything crazy if Patrick is here, so just hold on until nine.
I should have known better than to rely on that man by now. It’s 11:55 p.m., and I have no idea where he is.
Beth will be wanting a feed soon and I’m just so tired, I’m already bracing myself—as if the sound of her cry will be the thing that undoes me, instead of something I should be used to after four children. I feel the fear of that cry in my very bones—a kind of whole-body tension I can’t quite make sense of. When was the last time I had more than a few hours’ sleep? Twenty-four hours a day I am fixated on the terror that I will snap and hurt someone: Tim, Ruth, Jeremy, Beth…or myself. I am a threat to my children’s safety, but at the same time, their only protection from that very same threat.
I have learned a hard lesson these past few years; the more difficult life is, the louder your feelings become. On an ordinary day, I trust facts more than feelings, but when the world feels like it’s ending, it’s hard to distinguish where my thoughts are even coming from. Is this fear grounded in reality, or is my mind playing tricks on me again? There’s no way for me to be sure. Even the line between imagination and reality has worn down and it’s now too thin to delineate.
Sometimes I think I will walk away before something bad happens, as if removing myself from the equation would keep them all safe. But then Tim will skin his knee and come running to me, as if a simple hug could take all the world’s pain away. Or Jeremy will plant one of those sloppy kisses on my cheek, and I am reminded that for better or worse, I am his world. Ruth will slip my handbag over her shoulder as she follows me around the house, trying to walk in my footsteps, because to her, I seem like someone worth imitating. Or Beth will look up at me with that gummy grin when I try to feed her, and my heart contracts with a love that really does know no bounds.
Those moments remind me that everything changes, and that this cloud has come and gone twice now, so if I just hang on, it will pass again. I don’t feel hope yet, but I should know hope, because I’ve walked this path before and even when the mountains and valleys seemed insurmountable, I survived them.
I’m constantly trying to talk myself around to calm, and sometimes, for brief and beautiful moments, I do. But the hard, cold truth is that every time the night comes, it seems blacker than it did before.
Tonight I’m teetering on the edge of something horrific.
Tonight the sound of my baby’s cry might just be the thing that breaks me altogether.
I’m scared of so many things these days, but most of all now, I fear myself.
Excerpted from Truths I Never Told You by Kelly Rimmer, Copyright © 2020 by Lantana Management Pty Ltd. Published by Graydon House Books.
Title: Truths I Never Told You
Author: Kelly Rimmer
Publisher: Graydon House
Pages: 352
Rating: 5/5
“‘Everything changes’ was his consolation when things were rough. It was his reminder to stay humble when things were good”.
-Beth, Things I Never Told You
TW/CW: Post-Partum Depression, Infertility
Beth is the youngest of three. She has two older brothers named Tim and Jeremy, and a older sister named Ruth. They lost their mother Grace when they were just kids. Despite everything and the clashing amongst themselves, they were a tight knit family and loved their father, Patrick. Unfortunately, their father’s health is declining because of heart disease and dementia. Beth along with her siblings decide to put Patrick into a nursing home. Beth has taken the grueling task of cleaning her father’s home and trying to sell the house. She’s on maternity leave from giving birth to her son Noah. What perfect time to do it then now. Beth however hasn’t been herself lately. Ever since she had Noah she doesn’t have the patience to deal with him, she doesn’t get good sleep, and she’s constantly giving Noah to her mother in law to babysit to try and get away from him. She’s constantly questioning her motherly skills. Even her family notices this change with her. They always ask her if she’s ok. She says she’s fine but, they all know it’s not true. As a psychologist she knows she isn’t well, but she refuses to get professional help for herself because she doesn’t want her professional career to go down the crapper.
As she cleans her father’s attic she comes across a locked door. She wonders why her father has this locked door and where the key for the lock is at. When she finally get’s a hold of the key she realizes all the things her father has been hoarding including some papers that her mother wrote. Papers that reveal some deep dark secrets about her father and their marriage. Beth can’t believe it. The hardworking and amazing father she knew was different then the young husband her mother married. As a young husband, he stayed out late, didn’t help out with his four kids, was always drunk, and provided no type of income because he spent all his money. There was a whole family that Beth and her siblings knew nothing about, including a aunt that knows the actual truth about Grace’s marriage and death. The book flips in between the 1950’s and the 1990’s. It wasn’t hard to keep up with the story like some other books.
It was great seeing how both mother and daughter dealt with Post-partum Depression. Grace had a little more of a hard time with it in the 50’s because they just expected you to deal with it. I will say though, Beth was not my favorite. She was a selfish and entitled person and that really turned me off from her as main character. The Truths I Never Told You was a amazing book that tackled serious issues such as PPD, infertility, and motherhood. I would definitely recommend this book. Thank you to NetGalley and Harlequin Graydon House for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
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